Hon no Omoi  The Book of Thoughts
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: When Skuld fails her license exam, she realizes she must learn what a goddess really is.
1. the simplicity of the heart of the ques

**fandom: Ah My Goddess / Oh My Goddess / Aa Megami-sama  
title: Hon no Omoi.  
pairing: Keiichi + Belldandy, Sentaro + Skuld  
rating: pg-13  
d****escription – When Skuld fails her license exam, she realizes she must learn what a goddess really is.**

**Disclaimer – Aa Megami-sama is a manga written by Fujishima Kousuke and I just love it a lot to write for it.**

**Hon no Omoi. (The Book of Thoughts.)**

**By Miyamoto Yui**

_(Note: This fic will have different narrators for each part.)_

**Prologue – Belldandy – the simplicity of the heart of the question**

"Oh dear!"

I wrapped myself in my coat even more snuggly when the wind violently passed through the small road behind the school. It was my little shortcut and hideaway when I was waiting for Keiichi to finish a class that I couldn't go to.

But now, years later, I was just waiting for him to finish his guest lecture. How time has flown, hasn't it?

I stopped holding onto myself when I noticed an auburn colored pot had fallen down. The small maple tree was on the ground with it with some dirt spread around it. I hadn't really noticed it until something instinctively told me to look back.

It was under one of the professor's windows.

Immediately, I went over to it and helped it stand up again, patting its branches softly. "Please keep going," I sang quietly.

A part of the pot had cracked. I put that part next to the pot and walked away towards the small garden to a large tree with a wooden bench under it.

It would have been easy to just repair the pot and ask the wind to stop. Some people think that because you have the power to do something, you must immediately do it. But by interceding sometimes, you stop something from growing by itself: Its soul cannot expand without touching all its imperfect corners.

Because I was who I was, sometimes these things hurt just a little deeper.

I was sure that many people walked by in a rush and didn't care at all to take the time to know that these little desperate moments were like the ones they themselves wanted to receive help in as well.

No matter what, there was always time to do something for others.

_Always._

So, even though it was windy, I went to the bench and stood by the tree, looking up at its swishing branches and watching the leaves fall down in dizzy flutters. I smiled, took a deep breath, and began to sing a lullaby with the sunset,

just to breathe a little easier.

"To break the limits,

We need to know the power of silence.

I know you want to embrace everything,

But if you love it too much,

You suffocate it from seeing who

It really is.

So, be patient,

Let's grow slowly like stars,

Existing more than we planned

To stay.

Gently, gently,

Wind, please be patient with this world

And become

Softer…

And softer…

Until someone can continue

The strength of your ardent melody."

Clap, clap, clap!

Startled, I opened my eyes and gripped onto the tree trunk. Turning my head, I found my little sister looking at me again with those fascinated, admiring eyes whenever I sang. "Whenever I hear you, I wish I could sing like you, Onee-chan!"

The wind had died down and the usually calm scene was splattered with leaves, and Skuld sat on the bench eagerly waiting for me to sit next to her. I went right next to her and touched my forehead to hers. "In the future, I know you will be able to sing much more beautifully than me, Skuld."

Then, I opened my eyes and looked straight into hers, but she shook her head while keeping her gaze on mine. Stubbornly, she sighed and clenched her fists. "No one can beat your voice."

"But you understand that my voice means nothing if no one wants to hear it. How it sounds here…" I touched the tip of her ear. "And how it sounds here," I said while poking the strap of her overalls and the place over her heart, "are completely different."

Skuld looked at her hands, paused, and hung her head in defeat. "Because I couldn't call Noble Scarlet, I failed the Goddess License Examination to be 'First Class, Unlimited'."

I pulled her head to lean on my shoulder. Skuld closed her eyes even tighter than before.

We had been here for many years, and Skuld had much longer hair than before. Her baby cheeks where now sleek and sharp. And, she had grown taller and slender. To think that in such a small amount of time compared to our homeland, she could grow up so much was something I was proud of.

Earth was a place many people in Yggdrasil could not ever fully understand. They observed its events and they could calculate many results. They protected it, but they couldn't ever get truly involved.

They could only watch what was happening and guide what was happening.

I knew more than anything how that felt.

In one way, it was full. In another, it was so empty too.

So, Skuld was still caught in between that mentality over there and immersing her whole self here. She was still trying to figure out who she wanted to be.

However, I couldn't tell her the answer as to why she couldn't pass the examination though I had a hint of what had happened.

I was sure her pride didn't allow her to see the simplicity of the heart of the question.

"What was the question this year?" I asked as I looked out at the maple tree that had fallen earlier while running my fingers through her fine hair.

"What is a book?" Skuld's eyes opened and they wandered onto the grass aimlessly. "What? That was it? I was supposed to call Noble Scarlet to answer what a book was for the most important examination in my life?"

My fingers were suspended in place as she abruptly jumped up and faced me. "I spent so many years and then-"

"Was it somehow anti-climatic to you?" I put my hands over one another on my lap.

I got up as the evening was making the sky darker. With Skuld next to me, we walked a few paces to a bunch of long-leaved, pink flowers. Wistfully, I touched its petals in between my fingers to understand their texture. "You were lucky to get such a simple question, Skuld."

"Onee-chan?" I felt Skuld wanting to reach out to touch my hair and the crack in her voice.

"What did you say to the examiners? How did you answer them?" I cupped several flowers into my hands and leaned closer towards them to smell their particular scent.

"I told them they were a way to give instructions and to express themselves, just like songs. I even demonstrated with my own blueprints and notes. B-but…" Skuld put her face into her white, red-lined, scratched up gloves. "They told me, 'How could you stay on Earth and come back with an inarticulate answer? We will give you a week to take this exam again.'"

My heart beat against the cage of my chest, but I didn't look up.

Nothing would change if I hugged her and let her cry on me at this point.

I took my face away from the flowers, but kept my hands softly on them for strength.

Mildly, yet earnestly, I questioned, "Did you really believe in the answer that you gave?"

"No…I didn't."

I let go of the flowers and got up to turn around and face her. "Why?"

"Because when I had all that time to think of something to say, all I could come up was with blanks. It felt so empty. All I knew was that I had to say something that books were like song lyrics and that was all I put my feeling into when I answered that question."

"So, it means that you still don't know the potential of a book."

"I…"

"Even if there are those electrical touchpads to read books nowadays, why do you think people keep reading paperbacks? This is what they are trying to ask you, Skuld." My eyes couldn't wander away from hers as I pressed on, "Don't you think it's amazing that humans changed to all kinds of technology but still depend on ink on paper to hold their most important things?"

Skuld's tears came out as she gasped for air. In between her sobs, she cried out hoarsely, "I still don't know what it means to be a goddess!"

With that, she ran away from me.

Pushing her shoulder against Keiichi, who was standing in between the two buildings with the maple tree to one side, Skuld was out of sight with Keiichi looking at me with a puzzled look.

"Me too, Skuld," I mumbled voicelessly.

I stared at Keiichi.

I too didn't know the different parts of myself until I met him, Skuld.

"Bell?"

He was ready to run after her, but I held out my arm and shook my head. "Not this time. If she doesn't understand now, after all her time here on Earth, she won't ever surpass me."

"Surpass you?"

"She still is stuck on my image, which is her ideal. But to be a goddess and a woman, she must find the ideal of herself or else Noble Scarlet will never come out."

When he came closer, I explained about the situation to him and at the end of it, he apologized for making me wait, but he had to do something else before going home. I nodded my head and took the bus home.

On the hill, I overlooked the dark city with the lights beginning to light up one by one like stars. It was different to see what humans made that were so similar to my birthplace.

However, I could no longer call that place home. All this before me was my home now.

I gripped onto my bag with my fingers and made my way up the stone steps. Banpei nodded as I came through the threshold and I patted his metal helmet. "Tadaimasu."

But as I pulled my hand away, Sigel tugged gently on my skirt. They both pointed like children at the direction of the garage where I knew I was sure to find Skuld. Whenever she was upset, she dismantled whatever electronic device was at hand, proving to herself that her confidence in her hands was always her foremost skill.

Patting both of their steels hands tenderly, I smiled and nodded my head in thanks.

I stepped through and stopped in between the walkway and the house to look at the direction of the garage with the blaring television set and Urd's voice ringing in the air.

Why…

Why can't she trust her own heart?

Without the heart pumping, the body cannot function. And without trust, the soul cannot move onward.

This is as far as I can go, right? I cannot interfere.

But how does one explain who they are if they are born into it? It is assumed that mothers should know how to automatically bond with their baby, but they don't know. They interact with one another to know.

In order for a person to give to others, they must know what it means to have nothing. We teach our children to know that knowledge is important, but that doesn't mean they instinctively know that either.

Everything must be learned and absorbed. Someone must teach us about compassion. Someone must teach us how to discriminate against others.

In the end, someone must teach us how to communicate with others.

So, even if you are a goddess, you have to know what that is by not being one.

As I was about to enter the house, Keiichi ran up the stairs and was out of breath. He came up to me with flushed cheeks. "I *huff, huff* found these *gasp* books. I borrowed all kinds *huff huff huff* from different libraries and some of the nice ladies *cough* in town, because of you *huff, huff*, said they'd give their books to Skuld."

Tiredly, after all that research last night and doing this, he grinned proudly at me.

I looked at him and at the books and then at him again. There were tears in my eyes. I could only clasp my hands on his and pressed my thumb on one of the books. "Oh, Keiichi-san…"

"I thought that if I could-"

I took the books from him and hugged them with a silent spell.

"The words that must be told,

Please let them unfold,

Return to your former beauty

Where your characters were first pushed

Onto your paper body."

My tears fell onto them and I gave Keiichi a kiss on the cheek before I quickly walked over to Skuld to leave the books at the light peeking out of the garage door.

When I got there though, Urd was already standing around watching Skuld as she tinkered away with the sound of metal and wrench being connected to one another. Urd saw me and blinked her eyes. She signaled her thumb at the door's direction and shrugged her shoulders.

It was then that I noticed a stack of notes in her arms.

We both left our stuff in front of Skuld's door and walked back to the house. I turned to Urd, who had her hands on the back of her head. "What were those stacks of papers anyways?"

"Oh…cheat notes."

I started to laughed and covered my mouth. I shook my head because only she would find a way to still beat the Yggdrasil system. Only Onee-chan.

The both of us came back to find Keiichi had made tea and he only blinked once when he saw one Urd next to me and the other watching television. We sat in the den with our arms crossed over the table and wondered on what to do.

"What does it mean if you fail the exam?"

"You can only take it one more time. And from there, your fate is sealed."

"Why only once?"

"Our flow of time is different."

"So if she doesn't pass that exam…?"

"She can't ever be a goddess."

"That doesn't make sense. She _is_ a goddess."

"Her pride would kill her for not becoming a full one. There are many privileges you forsake for not being a full goddess."

"What does full mean anyway?"

Urd was the one who spoke up and looked at the window and up to the moon. "Acknowledgment is the same in any life sphere. No realm is safe from that kind of discrimination. _No place_."

At that moment, she took a deep breath and got up to take a stroll outside.

"Urd…" I reached my hand out to stop her as Keiichi's eyes looked at Urd walking out the door.

Longingly, I watched my older sister's back turn away from my gaze. Keiichi sighed quietly, his face turning towards the garage.

He put his hand on my head and tenderly stroked my bangs with his palm as the tears brimmed on my eyes, but I fought to keep them from falling.

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**Author's note:** Years ago, I had wanted to make a fanfic for Ah My Goddess but felt at the time (when I was in high school) that I could not grasp any of the characters no matter how much I liked them. But now, fifteen years later, I felt that I had gained some understanding about all the main characters, especially a love for Belldandy (though my favorite is Urd).

I hope that the changing of first person between Skuld and Belldandy and another person will not be confusing. I had thought hard about how to present this fic and wanted to experiment with each of their feelings. It is a challenge for me to think both in the present, future, and past of these characters.

I am very excited to present this fic to you and hope that you enjoy it.

Love,

Yui

7/30/2010 12:28:38 AM - Tokyo


	2. Proof of myself

**fandom: Ah My Goddess / Oh My Goddess / Aa Megami-sama  
title: Hon no Omoi.  
pairing: Keiichi + Belldandy, Sentaro + Skuld  
rating: pg-13  
d****escription – When Skuld fails her license exam, she realizes she must learn what a goddess really is.**

**Disclaimer – Thank you Fujishima Kousuke-sensei for this wonderful manga.**

**Hon no Omoi. (The Book of Thoughts.)**

**By Miyamoto Yui**

_(Note: This fic has different narrators for each part.)_

**Part 1 – Skuld – Proof of myself.**

My stinging eyes kept on staring at the oiled brakes on my hands. I followed the black liquid going in between the lines.

I hadn't ever noticed it before, but this was the first time that I didn't wear any gloves or an apron. I couldn't stand to wear my gloves right now. This time, I really wanted to feel the materials. I didn't know that it would feel so different to have nothing protecting my hands and body.

Maybe five years ago, I would have freaked out, but now, I just stared listlessly at the oil splatters all over my white skirt. When I'd come back from Yggdrasil, I didn't bother to change and had run to see Belldandy Onee-chan.

All my life, I think I found a way to keep myself from getting dirty. I felt ashamed of myself and sighed at this late realization.

Putting the brakes down carefully, I curled myself up into a ball. I put my head down and pushed my forehead towards my knees while I grabbed my elbows until my knuckles turned white. I felt the oil stick onto my legs and arms with the smell making me a little dizzy, but I didn't care anymore.

"Why now?"

I'd seemed so foolish. Did they know that and hadn't told me? Did they see through all my conceited words?

How could they do what I now felt I couldn't?

But I don't want to ask for their help this time.

Urd's nonchalant voice kept on repeating in my head, "What is the point of getting First Class anyway?"

She was lying on the floor like an Egyptian queen with one hand cupping her face and the other one holding onto the remote. My oldest sister's back faced me and I stared at her loosely-worn, violet kimono.

She had known I'd failed. This was her way of comforting me.

"What is the point of being a goddess if you can't get to the highest level that you can?" I snapped back.

"The highest level of a goddess isn't for them to decide. It's yours."

Click, click, click.

She didn't turn around at all as her painted nails pressed on the remote controller's buttons.

"I…" My palms throbbed as I pressed my fingernails into them. "You…you always…"

Resentfully, I ran into the garage after that.

That scene kept on popping up in my head and I couldn't turn it off. Urd always said the right things at the worst of times.

But…

…when it came to the people of this house, she couldn't lie.

Was I crying so hard right now because I knew that actually, I didn't care? I didn't have any plans after getting to First Class?

That I was scared and empty without that goal before me?

The exam had forced me to see the gap I'd maintained between my sisters and from others. Especially, from the person whom I couldn't ever forget: Sentaro-kun.

The worst thing about it was…

…I didn't want to seal it. I never thought I could.

The examiners' faces came to mind. _Why did I come to Earth for anyway?_

"Skuld?"

My face looked up and my knees were wet from my tears and the oil, but that voice right now…wasn't it Sentaro's voice?

At that moment, Noble Scarlet appeared and hugged my shoulders, pressing her left cheek onto my right one. She smiled and then pointed at the door.

Curiously, there was a gust of wind and the sound of crinkling paper outside. Walking outside the door of the garage, I bent down to find they had all left books and notes for me.

Looking at the house, I found myself smiling as I gathered them into my arms to take them into the garage. I closed the door completely and read until I couldn't keep my eyes open.

The next morning, I was walking back from the bathroom and peeked at Keiichi and Belldandy Onee-chan from the corner. He was rushing off to work but smiled and winked at my sister. He held his hand up to hi-five her but she gripped onto it, interlocking their fingers together and nodded with a smile. Then, she let him go and he went out with a smug expression on his face.

I tiptoed back to the garage.

Minutes later, I knew she would knock on my door, but I'd already cleaned my futon and put a note saying, "Please do not worry about me. I'm researching about paper."

I went to the garage to get the knapsack that Onee-chan had made for me when I first came to Earth. It was khaki-colored with red lining. I found out later that it was Keiichi who had picked the colors.

I only used it to carry my most important treasures: Mother's rose quartz bracelet, Father's old work gloves, Belldandy Onee-chan's garnet earring that she used when she was a baby, the pair of wrenches Urd gave to me when I'd wrecked Father's, and Keiichi's lucky flashlight whenever he tuned his bike.

Now, I was going to look for something in the city to add something to this collection.

For two days, I went to many book stores and libraries. I looked around at titles, pictures, rankings, and even at the attendants at the register. I even went to the park around our house to touch the trees and smelled the pages of old books in Jimbocho. I was told that Jimbocho was famous for being Tokyo's book center where you could find hard-to-find first editions.

But in the last bookstore in Kanda, one book in particular had a very familiar aura. I bargained with the old lady for it and paid most of my savings (the allowance Onee-chan gave me) to buy it. The old lady winked at me and even gave me some bits of chocolate.

When I'd opened it outside, I was shocked to find out that it was written by one of the goddesses who had come here! She had revoked her license and decided to live on Earth!

I had heard of her legend but I never thought I'd find something like this! Excitedly, I sat on the trains and read it all the way back. I couldn't put it down even though I was on the late bus coming home.

It wasn't a long book though, but because it wasn't a tech manual, it was a bit harder for me to understand. The only thing that stuck in my mind was, "Even if you don't know what you're doing, as long as you know what you want and believe you can get there with all your effort, you'll get there eventually. Don't let your doubts distract you."

When I got home, it wasn't Belldandy Onee-chan waiting for me, but Urd. She and Keiichi had to talk about something so they had gone to bed early.

"Hey." As usual, she was situated at her favorite place by the tv. My dinner was on the table and I sat down to eat it while Urd continued to watch her late night tv movie. She laughed and looked over at me as I started to eat.

While holding the miso soup bowl in my hands, I pursed my lips together, looked to one side and said, "Thanks."

Turning her head again in my direction, she stuck out her tongue at me.

When I was done, I knelt down beside her head and messed up her silver hair.

"I'll let this go for today."

Then, she looked up at me and poked my forehead with her index finger. "When you were a baby, you cried all the time whenever I wanted to get close to you. I wanted to send you back. Belldandy was so much sweeter than you but then there was that time I actually was walking away from your crib and you pulled my hair. I was ready to shout out to Dad when you said, 'Ur'. You couldn't even say my whole name." She gave a small smile. "Now, I am proud that you're going to kick ass when you become First Class Unlimited by the end of the week, but will you come back to Earth soon after that? They're gonna keep you there. I just know it."

Immediately, she moved her head and pretended to indifferently look back at the tv.

I made my hands into fists and softly tapped on her head. The tears on my eyes fell into her hair. "Stupid, Urd. Stupid, stupid Urd…"

I hate how you can always do this to me...

"You're horrible. You always know how to put me in the worst positions."

"Hey, I'm half devil. What did you expect? Total sympathy?"

I burst out laughing. "Onee-chan~!"

"Heh."

I hugged her head in my arms and then ran away embarrassed.

"I still think Belldandy's cuter than you!" Urd teased.

"Mou!"

By the fifth day, I read most of the references from my sempai's book.

Keiichi and my two Onee-samas left meals in front of my door and I ate them all, but I didn't leave my room unless I had to go to the bathroom.

I was starting to panic because I was running out of time and I still couldn't get to the center of the question itself.

Paper from different places had different auras and smells. Different fonts felt like individual personalities.

I understood the lessons the books taught me. So, what more did I need?

Knock knock. "Are you okay in there, Skuld?"

"Yes, Onee-chan. Sorry, still reading."

"That's okay."

There was a brief silence. Then, she opened my door without my permission! I almost thought it was Urd!

"Onee-chan!" I was startled. She'd never done that before!

Oh…so even Belldandy Onee-chan could get nervous without knowing it too?

Her eyes looked around and found many notes, a ton of opened books, an old typewriter, stamps with ink and letters, book lists from around the world, and the most important thing: A notebooks with quotes I'd written from each book with drawings I'd made.

She put her hand over her mouth to giggle when she saw a chibi Urd and me fighting over the description: "Relying too much on one skill could make you stop from seeing all your other talents."

"I am glad you talked with many books." In the middle of the mess, she sat by me on the futon. "But did you talk to the people of those places you got these books from?"

"No…" I shook my head and felt uneasy.

My older sister shook her head. She took the book from my lap and told me, "Go. Ask these people now before you go to report your final answer to the elders."

"…I'm still missing something? Why? I've been here for days, but why doesn't it seem enough?"

She looked my hands and took them into her lap. Pressing her thumbs over my aching knuckles, she gazed for a moment at all the papercuts and colored pen marks all over my hands. Some stray strands of hair fell over her shoulder and touched my pajamas.

"Sometimes, you must throw your pride, but never yourself away. If you can't do that, you'll never progress. You can't live by yourself. Your reality is made also by the people around you."

Looking up again to my eyes, she tugged lightly on my wrists. "We're going on a trip."

We didn't transport like regular goddesses, but took the local buses and trains like everyone else. We walked into one bookshop and talked to the owner.

Then, we went to a university to check out old historical essays. We looked at signs all over the city and by mid-day, we sat on a bench together in Ueno Park.

Onee-chan handed me a sandwich and I dug in.

Suddenly, I felt calm. I didn't feel any of the agitation…all that doubt and those knots in my stomach when I first took the test nearly a week ago.

While I was eating, my sister was smiling while observing all the people around us. Her eyes glittered happily while looking at everyone's expressions and at all the different ways people glanced up at the green trees.

She ate her ham sandwich while humming like when she did the laundry and took my right hand with her left one. Her silver and gold rings pressed into my fingers.

My sister's eyes looked as if they saw so very far. "You know deep inside that you can control all this before you. That you can do anything. But that isn't why we are here. We are here to make sure that the balance of machines, books, and other things work with humans and that they give the same respect back.

"Anyone can abuse this power for selfishness, but it takes a pure heart to know you shouldn't. A person is only good when they can suffer and still smile through it all."

I looked up at the cloudless blue sky. "I used to wonder why you touched everything, why you never got truly mad at things…

"…why you sacrificed our homeland to live here with someone who wished for you, but it seems like I can't imagine you ever doing something or feeling differently as you do now.

"No matter how many people you've seen on this planet and Keiichi is the longest one you've stayed with, you never change. You can be hurt, but not killed by anything."

Belldandy Onee-chan's eyes looked up towards the sky, at the same direction as where I was looking. She held up my hand towards the sun. "Because this is one of the proofs of my existence. What I protect. What I love. Who knows who I am no matter where I may go, outside or inside myself."

She turned to me with such a deep smile. "If there is no Urd, Skuld, Keiichi, Mother, or Father…" She emphasized each name. "…there is no one called 'Belldandy'."

It was then that I saw the tears of the person next to me for the first time in my whole life. I'd seen my sister cry, get mad, grin, laugh, and become silly. But this person before me somehow was no longer my sister, but a woman: A human who fully accepted being one.

She was a woman who trusted others, and entrusted her being to them. In turn, she could protect everything around her without a single doubt in her head as to why.

It was all a part of her. And she was inside all of them too.

Gripping onto her hand, I made her stand up from the bench. Being taller, I pulled her hand even higher towards the sky.

"We don't have to go to any more places. I have to go home now. See you later." I hugged my sister and ran down the road where the sakura bloomed every year. There was a strong wind that made the leaves look like they were waving at me.

I ran while feeling that she was still calmly standing in the middle of the road with everyone passing around her.

I looked behind to see that she didn't move from her spot until she couldn't see me anymore…

**Tsuzuku…/To be Continued…**

**Author's note:** It's a funny thing how I came upon making a fic for Skuld when I think that Skuld is the hardest person for me to write because I'm quite straightforward when it comes to telling my feelings. Details and explanations are not my strong points so it is easier for me to relate to Belldandy and Urd.

But I made this fic to understand her and while writing, I started to cry at the part that suddenly came out. I didn't expect to write about Urd saying such a tender thing, but it moved me.

For me, AMG was always sweet. It's a manga that teaches people about the beauty of human nature. I hope that I can pull this off. To be honest, I'm quite nervous because this fic and this title mean so much to me.

Love, Yui


End file.
